B4TheCrowd Magazine

In the last post I explored my favorite three song run of the album: 𝚌𝚕𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚌𝚎, 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕓, and 𝓽𝓱𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓭, 𝓼𝓽𝓲𝓽𝓬𝓱. I became very vulnerable in my interpretation of these songs and how they connect with me. I feel that a sign of a true connection between artistry and its audience is how both parties can be vulnerable to each other. In the last four tracks of julie’s my anti aircraft friend we see julie at what I believe is their most vulnerable. Drawing heavy influences from the legendary Kurt Cobain and reprising a familiar sound from a track earlier in the record.

𝒇𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝒂𝒅𝒐𝒓𝒏𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒔

“𝒇𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝒂𝒅𝒐𝒓𝒏𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒔” starts with a bassline from Brady, which is soon accompanied by Lee’s drumming and Pourzand playing behind the strings of his Jazzmaster to create that eerie, haunting sound that he has become known for throughout these julie tracks.

For this song, we are only met with vocals from Brady, which I do not think is much of a surprise considering the title of the track is “𝒇𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝒂𝒅𝒐𝒓𝒏𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒔.” Her voice almost adds another layer to the already eerie feeling of the song, especially when you start paying attention to what she is actually saying. The lyrics also have a great way of tying themselves back into the title.

Brady sings in the first verse:

Heavy off my insights
But you’re way too tough
Any other reason
To get me off her throat
Take your glass, I’m leaving
And come get your stuff

Here I believe that Brady is speaking from the perspective of a person who is being weighed down by her own thoughts and worries. Then she reflects on the other person whose character is “way too tough” to let their feeling breach through and be vulnerable to the other. There is a clear contrast here. Brady is overwhelmed by what she is feeling internally, whilst the other person refuses to let their guard down.

Brady then expresses that she desires “any other reasons to me off her throat”. I did not take this as Brady literally chocking her partner but metaphorically putting pressure on her just like one would say “keep your foot on their neck”. julie never gives us enough information to know exactly what happened, though, which is very consistent with how cryptic their writing can be.

The ending is much less mysterious:

Take your glass, I’m leaving
And come get your stuff

This to me sounds like the breaking point in this relationship. “Take your glass” gives me the visual of an argument happening somewhere private while they are drinking. This drives back to an earlier track on the record that we covered, “very little effort” where the idea of being controlling while drinking with each other is first introduced.

This could give you a really interesting way to connect the verse to the title “feminine adornments.” An adornment is something decorative that makes the exterior appear more beautiful, yet nothing Brady describes here feels particularly beautiful. The verse is filled with emotional weight, guardedness, aggression, and eventually separation. So one possible interpretation is that the title plays with the contrast between how something appears on the outside and what is actually happening underneath it.

𝚒’𝚕𝚕 𝚌𝚘𝚘𝚔 𝚖𝚢 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚜

While doing research for this track, I came across a Reddit post that raised a really interesting question about the possible influence behind the eighth song on the record, “𝚒’𝚕𝚕 𝚌𝚘𝚘𝚔 𝚖𝚢 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚜.”

Reddit user schelone shared an excerpt from Kurt Cobain’s journals containing what appears to be an old page of lyrics for Nirvana’s “Heart-Shaped Box.” What immediately caught my attention was the final line on the page:

“She fries me like cold ice cream — headaches and chills. I’ll cook my own meals.”

Yeah.

I’ll cook my own meals.

Seeing that immediately made me question whether julie’s song title could be a direct nod to Cobain.

The Reddit user takes the theory even further, pointing toward Pourzand’s known appreciation for Kurt Cobain and Nirvana, along with julie having performed “Heart-Shaped Box” live before.

Now, does this confirm that Cobain’s writing is where the title “𝚒’𝚕𝚕 𝚌𝚘𝚘𝚔 𝚖𝚢 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚜” came from?

No.

At least not without julie themselves confirming it.

But come on.

The exact wording appearing in Cobain’s writing, the band’s connection to Nirvana, and the sound of the track itself make this way too interesting of a connection for me to just ignore.

And once I actually started listening to the song with Cobain in mind, I began noticing even more.

The song starts with drums from Lee, followed by Pourzand’s soft guitar playing and a steady bassline from Brady. The introduction feels almost weak, and I do not mean weak in the sense that the song is bad or lacking anything. I mean weak in the sense that the spirit of the person telling this story feels completely worn down. There is something defeated about the way the song introduces itself, and that feeling is only reinforced once we get into the lyrics.

I think the lyrics can be read as someone deliberately distancing themselves from a person they care about because they genuinely believe that person would be better off without them. There is a lot of self-deprecation throughout the song, but also this weird mixture of love, acceptance, and resignation.

The line that stands out most to me is:

One like you, for a mutt like me

Pourzand referring to himself as a “mutt” immediately creates an imbalance between himself and his partner. The other person is “one like you,” almost placing them on a pedestal, while Pourzand reduces himself to something unwanted, dirty, or beneath them. It almost sounds like he is asking himself, How did someone like you ever end up with someone like me?

That feeling of not being worthy of this person could explain almost everything that comes afterward.

Don’t stop for what you’d be
’Cause what you would be is without me
I’ll just stay away

This is probably the emotional center of the song for me. I interpret “what you’d be” as the person his partner could become without Pourzand holding them back. He seems to believe that if this person wants to grow or become a better version of themselves, their future cannot include him.

And “I’ll just stay away” is such a simple line, but because it keeps returning throughout the song, it almost sounds like Pourzand is trying to convince himself that leaving is the right thing to do. Instead of fighting for the relationship, he decides that his version of loving this person is removing himself from their life.

Which is honestly pretty sad.

That makes this next line even more interesting:

It opens your eyelids to let you breathe

Opening your eyes usually represents finally being able to see something clearly. “Let you breathe” adds another feeling of freedom or relief. Maybe Pourzand removing himself allows this person to finally open their eyes, breathe, and become whoever they were supposed to become without the weight of the relationship.

The depressing part is that Pourzand seems completely aware of this.

Honest starts to make, just takes, a bite out of you
I know I’d be honest, honest

This is one of those VERY julie lines where I can sit here and stare at it forever and still not be completely sure what they are trying to say.

But I think honesty is being presented as something painful. Being completely truthful about how you feel, who you are, or where a relationship is headed can “take a bite out of you.” Sometimes the truth is necessary, but that does not mean admitting it is going to feel good.

And then we get probably the strangest line in the entire song:

Shaolin monks, they finally freak

I LOVE this line simply because of how bizarre it is.

Shaolin monks are commonly associated with discipline, patience, and extreme self-control. So the idea that even they eventually “freak” could represent everyone having a breaking point. You can be the calmest and most disciplined person in the world, but there is only so much emotion you can suppress before something eventually comes out.

That fits surprisingly well with the person Pourzand has presented throughout the song. Maybe he has been trying to remain composed and accept that this person would be better off without him, but underneath all of that acceptance is still someone who is hurting.

Then we get:

Your little birds come all this way

And yeah…

I have no clue.

The “little birds” could represent problems, thoughts, memories, or emotions that continue to follow this person no matter how far they go. It could even connect to something completely different that I am missing.

This is one of those lines where I am not confident enough to slap a definite meaning onto it, and honestly, I think that ambiguity is part of what makes julie’s writing so interesting. They give you just enough to create a picture in your head, but never enough to tell you whether the picture you created is actually the right one.

And with “𝚒’𝚕𝚕 𝚌𝚘𝚘𝚔 𝚖𝚢 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚜,” I think that uncertainty works especially well. Underneath all of the strange imagery is something that feels surprisingly simple:

I love you enough to believe you would be better without me.

ｐｉａｎｏ ｉｎｓｔｒｕｍｅｎｔａｌ

FIRST LITEN TO THESE SONGS BACK TO BACK

Immediately we are entered into a room with a familiar but somewhat new guitar riff from Pourzand reminiscent of what we just heard two tracks prior. “ｐｉａｎｏ ｉｎｓｔｒｕｍｅｎｔａｌ” Is enamoring to me because it is almost like a reprise to “𝒇𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝒂𝒅𝒐𝒓𝒏𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒔” but it has a whole different feeling to it. To me this song is the heavier response to the themes that we were given in “𝒇𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝒂𝒅𝒐𝒓𝒏𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒔”.

The first verse immediately gives me the feeling of losing your identity inside another person:

All the things you could do
Shallow among all that you would know
And you don’t know yourself
Better than you

The wording is strange, especially “you don’t know yourself / Better than you,”but I think that confusion might actually work with what the song is describing. There is this constant question of who actually knows who.

That becomes much clearer with:

Make me all the things you would like
And I don’t know myself
Better than you

This is probably the most important part of the song to me.“Make me all the things you would like” sounds like someone allowing another person to shape them into whatever version of themselves that person desires.

Basically: I’ll become whatever you want me to become.

And then saying “I don’t know myself / Better than you” makes that even sadder. Pourzand seems so disconnected from their own identity that this other person might understand or define them better than they can themselves.

That idea returns in the final verse, except Pourzand makes it even more revealing:

Never mind what I’d like
Make me all the things you would like

“Never mind what I’d like” is HUGE.

Now it isn’t just about changing yourself for somebody. Pourzand is actively putting their own desires aside. What I want doesn’t matter. What do you want me to be?

And I think that’s where “𝒇𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝒂𝒅𝒐𝒓𝒏𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒔” becomes really important.

“𝒇𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝒂𝒅𝒐𝒓𝒏𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒔” might show us what happens afterward

Think about what I already stated about the word adornment. An adornment is something used to decorate or alter the appearance of something.

Then “piano instrumental” gives us:

Make me all the things you would like

That connection is REALLY interesting.

If we continue with my interpretation of the album, I can could argue that the person themselves possibly Pourzand and Brady is becoming the adornment. They’re reshaping themselves according to somebody else’s desires rather than being who they actually are.

And eventually that becomes:

Never mind what I’d like

Their own identity has almost become secondary.

But here’s where the connection gets even crazier.

The songs literally speak to each other

In “piano instrumental,” we hear:

I’ll come around
Heavy off my insides
I’ll mend it all
Another reason
To get it on
Don’t get me wrong

Now look at “feminine adornments”:

Heavy off my insights
But you’re way too tough
Another reason to get it on
Don’t get me wrong

And its chorus repeatedly says:

But I’ll come around

That is way too much repeated language for me to ignore when interpreting the songs together.

Even the slight difference between “heavy off my insides” and “heavy off my insights” is interesting. “Insides” sounds internal and emotional, while “insights” sounds like understanding or realization. If we’re reading them together, you could almost see a progression:

First I feel it inside. Then I understand what I’m feeling.

I wouldn’t say that’s definitely what julie intended, but it gives you something really interesting to explore.

Then there’s “I’ll mend it all”

This might be my favorite connection.

In “piano instrumental”:

I’ll mend it all

There is still this desire to fix everything.

Compare that with “feminine adornments,” where the relationship sounds much more confrontational:

Take your glass, I’m leaving
And come get your stuff

That’s almost the complete opposite.

One song says:

I’ll fix this.

The other reaches:

I’m leaving. Come get your stuff.

If these songs are connected narratively, “piano instrumental” could represent an earlier point in the relationship where the narrator is still willing to change themselves and repair everything. “feminine adornments” could represent what happens when that willingness finally turns into resentment.

And yet even after saying they’re leaving, what does Brady repeatedly sing?

I’ll come around

That’s the tragedy of it.

She wants to leave. She knows something is wrong. She can literally tell this person to come get their belongings.

But she still comes around.

“Don’t you know we’re the same”

Then “piano instrumental” gives us:

Don’t you know we’re the same
Shallow and break away at the seam

This could completely change how we view the relationship. Instead of one person simply being the problem, maybe both people are damaged in similar ways.

They are “the same.”

They both break at the seam.

That could explain why separation seems so difficult in “feminine adornments.” There is attraction, anger, dependency, resentment, and familiarity all existing together.

It also makes:

And it’s a lot like you
To make it, make it all about you

hit differently. There seems to be resentment toward this person for making everything revolve around themselves, while “piano instrumental” shows a narrator who has already been willing to do exactly that:

Never mind what I’d like
Make me all the things you would like

Of course everything becomes about you when I’ve stopped allowing anything to be about me.

𝔰𝔱𝔲𝔠𝔨 𝔦𝔫 𝔞 𝔠𝔞𝔯 𝔴𝔦𝔱𝔥 𝔞𝔫𝔤𝔢𝔩𝔰

And finally, we have made it to the end.

The tenth and final track on my anti-aircraft friend, “𝔰𝔱𝔲𝔠𝔨 𝔦𝔫 𝔞 𝔠𝔞𝔯 𝔴𝔦𝔱𝔥 𝔞𝔫𝔤𝔢𝔩𝔰,” is one of the best examples on the entire album of what julie does so well. It takes everything that has made this record special, the softness, the noise, the strange lyricism, and the sudden changes in sound, and gives us one last taste of it before the album comes to an end.

The song does not immediately try to overwhelm you. It actually does the complete opposite.

Lee and Pourzand begin the track together on guitar, creating this soft and almost weightless introduction. Brady’s vocals soon enter and sit gently over the two guitars. What makes this opening even more interesting is that Lee is away from the drums. Throughout this album, we have heard how important his drumming is to julie’s sound, so taking that away leaves a HUGE amount of open space.

And I think that space is important.

Nothing feels rushed. Nothing feels like it is fighting for your attention. Pourzand and Lee’s guitars are given room to breathe while Brady sounds almost like she is floating above them. There is something comforting about it, but at the same time, it feels lonely.

Almost like something is missing.

Which, technically, there is.

Lee’s drums.

And once you know what this song eventually becomes, the beginning almost feels like julie is purposely holding themselves back.

Lyrically, Brady matches that feeling:

Day glow
She doesn’t notice much
Talk slow
Break the bottom out, love

Like many of the lyrics throughout this album, we are not given much context. Instead, Brady gives us these little flashes and images. Someone is glowing in the daylight. Someone is talking slowly. Someone is barely noticing what is happening around them.

It almost feels like Brady is remembering something rather than telling us a complete story.

Then we get what I believe is the most important line in the song:

It’s so cold
I want to follow you home

Such a simple line.

But there is A LOT here.

I do not think the cold necessarily has to be literal. To me, it represents loneliness. If we think about what being “home” means, it is usually associated with warmth, comfort, safety, and somewhere you belong. So when Brady says it is cold and immediately follows that by saying she wants to follow this person home, I hear someone searching for that warmth within another person.

She does not say, I need you to love me.

She does not say, Please stay with me.

She simply says:

I want to follow you home.

There is something strangely innocent about that.

Then we get more of those random images that julie loves to throw at us:

Bread molds
Pass the spoons around, love

At first, I had no idea what to do with this.

But the more I thought about it, the more I started looking at these lines as images of ordinary life. Bread molding tells us that time is passing. Passing spoons around feels domestic, almost like people sitting together at a table.

Life is continuing.

Things get old.

Things decay.

People continue doing normal things.

Yet Brady keeps returning to the same thought:

“I want to follow you home.”

That repetition makes the song feel almost like being trapped inside of a memory. Everything around you can continue moving, but your mind keeps returning to one person.

Later Brady sings:

Down it again
Take him off me
Read and pretend
Pretty soon
I’ll be there soon

This is where the lyrics become much harder for me to confidently interpret.

“Read and pretend” especially sticks out to me. I could see this as trying to distract yourself or act like everything is normal when mentally you are somewhere completely different. Then “I’ll be there soon” sounds like reassurance.

But who is Brady reassuring?

The person she wants to follow?

Or herself?

I honestly do not know, and I think that uncertainty works perfectly for julie.

Then we get to what makes this song REALLY special.

Throughout the beginning, Lee has been playing guitar alongside Pourzand instead of sitting behind the drums. That makes his eventual transition back to the drum kit feel so much more important. We have spent so much time hearing julie without one of the biggest pieces of their normal sound that when Lee finally returns to the drums, the entire personality of the song changes.

The restraint is gone.

Pourzand’s guitar begins transforming from something soft and delicate into the distorted wall of sound that we have heard him create throughout the album. Lee’s drums finally give the song the weight that has intentionally been missing, and Brady’s bass helps fill what was once all of that empty space.

The song that sounded almost fragile in the beginning becomes MASSIVE.

But Brady does something that I think makes the entire moment even better.

She does not try to compete with the noise.

She continues singing with that same almost angelic quality while Lee and Pourzand create chaos around her.

And THAT is where the title becomes really interesting to me.

“stuck in a car with angels.”

Think about those words for a second.

Being stuck somewhere sounds uncomfortable. A car is a small enclosed space. You are confined to wherever that car is taking you.

But then you have angels.

Something beautiful.

Something peaceful.

Something almost heavenly.

The title itself contains the same contradiction that the song does.

Beautiful and uncomfortable.

Peaceful and chaotic.

Soft and violent.

And maybe I am looking too deeply into it, but Brady’s vocals almost become the “angel” within all of that noise. Pourzand and Lee are creating this enormous storm around her while her voice continues floating through it.

Eventually, the song begins bringing back all of these small images.

Day glow.

Talking slowly.

Bread molding.

Spoons being passed around.

Wind blowing.

Little pieces of life.

Little pieces of memory.

And through everything, Brady returns to the same feeling:

It’s so cold
I want to follow you home

And I think THAT is what makes this such a fitting ending to my anti-aircraft friend.

There is no huge revelation.

Nobody suddenly understands everything.

Nothing is completely resolved.

Throughout this album, Brady, Pourzand, and Lee have given us songs filled with people struggling to understand themselves and the people around them. People become vulnerable. They change themselves for other people. They push people away. They come back. They want love while simultaneously being afraid of what comes with it.

So maybe the final song does not need to solve any of that.

Maybe after everything we have heard throughout these ten tracks, the final emotion can be something much simpler.

It’s cold out here.

I just want to follow you home.

And as Lee returns to the drums, Pourzand lets the guitar explode, and Brady remains somewhere within all of that noise, julie gives us one final reminder of everything that made my anti-aircraft friend special.

Then it ends.

Final Thoughts

And just like that, we have reached the end.

Three parts. Ten songs. WAY too many lyrics that had me staring at my computer trying to figure out what Brady and Pourzand could possibly be talking about.

But I would not have wanted to write about this album any other way.

When I decided to revisit my anti-aircraft friend for its anniversary, I knew I wanted to do more than just give every song a rating and move on. This album means too much to me for that. I wanted to really sit with these songs again, pay attention to the small details I might have missed before, look deeper into the lyrics, and most importantly explain why this album has stuck with me the way it has.

Across these three parts, I have talked about everything from the overwhelming noise of songs like “CATALOGUE” and “tenebrist,” to my love for “knob,” the strange relationship between “feminine adornments” and “piano instrumental,” the possible Kurt Cobain influence surrounding “i’ll cook my own meals,” and finally the beautiful chaos of “stuck in a car with angels.”

And after spending this much time going through the album again, I think I appreciate it even more than I did before.

What makes julie special to me is that Brady, Lee, and Pourzand never make anything feel too clean.

Sometimes the guitars are beautiful. Sometimes they sound like they are falling apart. Lee can go from sitting behind the song to making his drums feel like they are about to break through your headphones. Brady and Pourzand can sing so quietly that you have to lean into the song, and then seconds later the entire band can bury those same vocals underneath a wall of noise.

And somehow it all works.

The lyrics are the same way. Sometimes I feel like I completely understand what they are saying. Other times I read one line 15 times and still have absolutely no idea.

But maybe I am not supposed to.

That mystery is part of what keeps me coming back.

If You Made It This Far…

Seriously, thank you.

Whether you read all three parts, only read one, clicked because you already love julie, or had absolutely no idea who they were before finding my blog, I appreciate you taking the time to read my thoughts.

Music is something that I could talk about forever, and this blog gives me somewhere to put all of those random thoughts, interpretations, and feelings that would otherwise just sit in my head.

If even one person finished one of these posts and decided to listen to julie for the first time, then writing all three parts was worth it.

Where Should You Start?

If you have somehow made it through this entire review without actually listening to my anti-aircraft friend, first of all, I respect the commitment.

Second…

GO LISTEN TO IT.

If you want the full experience, I recommend starting with “CATALOGUE” and letting the album play straight through. There are transitions, callbacks, changes in intensity, and little details that make much more sense when you hear everything together.

But if you just want a few songs to see whether julie is for you, I would start with “knob,” “clairbourne practice,” “feminine adornments,” “i’ll cook my own meals,” and “stuck in a car with angels.”

And if “knob” does not do anything for you…

We may just have to agree to disagree.

For people who enjoy the noisy and distorted side of julie, I would also recommend digging deeper into shoegaze, noise rock, grunge, and alternative rock. Listen to bands like My Bloody Valentine, Sonic Youth, Nirvana, Swirlies, and Blonde Redhead and start hearing where some of the sounds surrounding julie come from. Then go back to my anti-aircraft friend and listen again. You might start noticing things you did not hear the first time.

One Last Thing

I called this album special when I started this series, and three parts later, I still feel the same way.

my anti-aircraft friend is not perfect because every note is clean, every lyric makes sense, or every song follows some perfect formula.

It is almost the opposite.

It is messy.

It is loud.

It is quiet.

It is confusing.

It is beautiful.

And most importantly, it sounds like julie.

Brady, Lee, and Pourzand created something that I can come back to over and over again and still find something new buried underneath all of that noise.

That is what I want from music.

So, once again, thank you to everyone who took the time to read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, or any of my other posts.

There is A LOT more music I want to talk about, so this definitely is not the end of the blog.

It is just the end of my anti-aircraft friend.

For now.